Declaring for the U.S. presidency seems to be a popular thing this time of year.
Hilary Clinton, Rand Paul and Marco Rubio have each done it in the past 10 days, and there’s a list a mile long of others who want in on the party.
Social media is abuzz with manufactured outrage over each candidates’ perceived shortcomings. Commenters are seemingly oblivious that anyone who can clear a fairly low bar can legally seek the country’s highest office.
If you’re 35, a U.S. citizen and have lived here for 14 years you, too, could be a U.S. president. I meet all of those with the exception of age; a hurdle I’ll clear in July. So, at the risk of making an announcement three months premature, I’d like to officially announce my candidacy for President of these here United States.
Before making your decision more than a year from now, you’re probably curious about my qualifications. Well, I won’t dazzle you with all my governmental experience, because I don’t have any. I do, however, have a lot of experience on America’s roadways, and I share the interstate system with millions of other potential voters.
I can ensure my fellow motorists that, if elected, the wheels of our great country would continue to roll, whether you need four wheels or 18.
My stance on infrastructure:
• Congress’ failure to quickly pass and fund a Highway Bill would be punishable by exile. Under the threat of old-world-style deportation, I’m sure would could find our way to better roads and bridges fairly quickly.
• 18 wheelers would get their own lane. Thanks to FoxNews and national media, cars are already afraid to share the road with truck drivers who, incidentally, had to take more tests and undergo more training than they did. Let’s get all the four-wheelers out of the way of the trained drivers.
• I would also install one lane of dirt on the interstate highway system to accommodate motorists who insist on taking vehicles equipped with off-road tires on-road.
• Taxes on new vehicle purchases would be done away with by the commitment of the consumer to use those savings toward putting some really cool aftermarket stuff on their new ride. What fun is spending $30k on a new truck if you can’t afford to cherry it out?
On government spending:
• Air Force One? Gone. There was some selfish motivation behind installing that dirt lane on the highway. The Presidential Raptor needs to get a little dirty, too.
• We’re getting rid of the penny. It costs more to make it than it’s worth. And part of elementary school math is devoted to rounding. It’s time we put that to good use. Cup holders these days are not big enough to hold change we never remember to use and all that jingling is annoying.
I have pretty important views on foreign relations and other pressing matters of the country’s chief decision maker, but I’ll need to save those for my campaign stops.
Trucks dominated the Top 20 best selling vehicles list last year, so I’m calling on you all to join my grass roots campaign. If you own an F-Series, Silverado, Ram or Seirra, I’m your guy. Together, we can ensure this country continues to be “Build America Tough.”
I’ll see you at the polls.